2 years

Today marks 2 years since my mom died. The day that changed our family forever. I'm alright today. I'm trying to remember the good. How can I not? There was so much good with her!

I told the kids last night what today is. Finn said, "I miss Grandma." Ryan said, "Can we not talk about this?" It's really hard for her. Finn really doesn't remember a whole lot from his life with her. He had just turned two when she died. He remembers her through pictures and through the 1 year scrapbook she made him. Ryan tries really hard to remember. I can see it bothers her that she can't remember as well as she wishes she could. I feel the same way.

I will never stop missing her and needing her. There is so much I wish she was here for. Every time one of the kids does something special or new I long for her to be there to see it and share the happiness with. She was there for everything! I miss having her as a friend. She was the best friend! I miss having a mom! You never stop needing your mom. I miss having a person who makes the difficult times easier. I simply just miss her. There are no other words to say but that.

Here is a link to my 1 year post. http://www.lisakay-piecesofus.blogspot.com/2011/04/year-without-her.html

Oh Pinterest...

I, like every other woman I know, am addicted to Pinterest. I was just telling Beth last night, "it's revolutionary!" Seriously I can go on there and find how to make anything for cheaper. That right there is a reason to go on.

Oh Pinterest, you've wasted so much of my time  inspired me to do so much with my time :) It is pretty amazing though how talented some people are.

I've been in a rut lately.  No inspiration for anything really. I'm going on with my daily tasks, shuffling kids place to place, cleaning house, watching tv, spending hours on pinterest...

It's time for a change!

I'm going to try and do at least one thing from Pinterest every two weeks. Two things in a month. Doesn't seem too hard. I'll post what I do. Hey, maybe I'll even get more than two things. I can seriously do a new recipe, a craft, a better way of cleaning, decorationg, something!

The other day I suggested to Ryan and her cousin to do makeovers. They were all over that! Ryan suggested to me that I pull my vanity out from the wall to do it. I said no that's really not necessary. She said, "come on Mom try something new! Have a little fun!" So that is what I'm doing. Trying something new, having a little fun.

Oh and Pinterest, how about you also give me the time, the money, and the patience while you're at it ;)
 What I'm dying to try!

Ryan

Ryan Elisabeth...what can I say? She is growing up! I don't talk a ton directly about the kids but I think Ryan deserves a post of her own. I'm not trying to brag but I'm just so dang proud!

She decided to finally pull that tooth out while watching the movie The Toothfairy.

She came home from school on Monday saying she has a surprise for me. So, once we got home from the bus stop she whipped out a paper from the principal saying that she won a Pioneer Pride Award for being respectful, responsible, and caring. All the students who get picked get acknowledged in an assembly where parents can go to watch. She also said that she was the first to finish up her at home reading and have her chart full. She got to pick a prize out of the prize box. She picked a zooble. That's so cool to her! Last week she got to pick a beanie baby from the prize box in library for being a good listener.

It sure is something to see your child excel! On curriculum night the principal told Corey many great things about Ryan. This makes me feel so proud of her! I feel like I struggled a bit at the beginning of school with getting her ready and making sure she had everything in order and yelling a lot to tell her to hurry up. But, I guess she's doing great! With all the hustle and bustle of getting them ready in the morning I sometimes feel like nothing is in order and I should be doing better but her performance at school makes me feel like I must be doing something right.

She's playing soccer right now too and really loves it. Last year it wasn't her favorite thing but I can see she has gotten the hang of what to do and that makes it so much more enjoyable for her. She has scored 3 goals out of 4 games! It is so fun to watch her grow up and to watch her be proud of herself too!

It's been a while

It's been a while! The last time I blogged it was about my baby bump which is no longer there. Now, I have a beautiful baby girl and we are a family of five.

It's been a great summer. These last few weeks of nice weather has made me forget about the dreary beginning. We've really enjoyed ourselves floating in our pool and relaxing.

I'm almost ready for fall. Ready or not it's coming. Ryan started first grade last week and loves it. She's adjusting to all the days being long days. I can tell she's tired at the end of the night. She started soccer practice and seems to love it.

Finn starts preschool tomorrow. We'll see how I do with that...I think I've been putting that out of my mind. I must be somewhat worried about it because I keep having dreams that I forget to bring him to his first day. He's excited and I'm sure will do well! When I took him in last year to pay the deposit he was so mad that we had to leave he thought he was starting then. Ryan has been such a good sister prepping him for everything. She loves to be his teacher and is really good at it! I think I'll miss my little boy but at least I have Noah! I'm going to really enjoy that time with her, and especially enjoy taking only one child to the grocery store and running around in Bellingham! That has been the hardest part for me with having three kids. I think I've been "real" grocery shopping once!

As for Corey and I, we're just enjoying the last days of summer and trying to get some things done around the yard. We really have our work cut out for us! Maybe we'll have to have a "work party" :) Corey's been working a lot which is an adjustment for me. I sure took for granted the days when he was home by 4. His business is doing well though and that's a major blessing!

Since it's been so long since I've posted I'll just leave you with some random pictures from summer. Hopefully I can be better about updating from now on :)

Noah Annabelle Ross

Lake Osoyoos

Camping out at the cousins house

Fishing at Lake Roosevelt

His itty bitty fish, he did have some big ones but they got away

crabbing

I got to go to Whistler with no kids!

She loves the sun! Falls asleep instantly

Belly Picture

It's been really hard to post anything lately because our computer crashed. I did manage to take a picture from my phone and got on a computer to at least post a belly picture. This is me at almost 35 weeks pregnant. Of course the picture's blurry but you can still obviously see the belly :)

June 18

I scheduled my c-section for Saturday June 18. I'm getting so excited. Also nervous and anxious to just get things done for her. I'm really looking forward to just having her already because I feel like I'll get a good month after she's born to do nothing. I know that sounds a little weird. I won't be getting any sleep and taking care of 3 kids isn't doing nothing but I won't have as many other obligations. I can stay at home with my kids in our jammies all day if we want.  I'm so thankful that school will be out. It means not rushing Ryan out of the house and I'll have more help from Corey's mom and Joelle who get the summer off.

This is the bedding that I had custom made from an Etsy shop. Sewfunbymonique is the name of the shop. Her stuff is adorable! It should be delivered on my doorstep in the next day or two.






I don't have a whole lot I have to do to get ready for her but I have a lot of things I "want" to get ready for her. It's all fairly easy stuff. Since Ryan was also born in June I have all of her clothes already. The crib is still set up from babysitting.

My to do list is more of a "Honey do list" :)

We need to get a light fixture for the baby's room and then we'll be able to decide if we actually need to paint the walls. Right now there's not enough light to tell. My Mom painted this whole house when I was pregnant with Finn. I don't really want to paint over what she painted but it could be brighter and Corey's going to have to do some drywall touch ups so it'll probably have to be done. I have no idea what color??? Right now it's a light tan color. Just a little too plain.

Maybe my next post I'll put up a belly picture. I'm not really a fan of belly pictures of myself. But I know I like to see what other women look like pregnant so it's only fair. I'll see how it turns out first :)

A year without her

Even though today isn't the day my Mom died it was our last day with her. It was Sunday and I could feel that the time was coming soon. We spent the day with friends and family coming in and out of the house. Beth and I sat and painted our toenails. We didn't really know what to do...

Mom lay sleeping in her hospital bed in the family room. She wasn't really alert but the hospice nurse reminded us that hearing was the last thing to go when dying so we thought that she could hear us. All the friends and family who came by that day took turns sitting next to her, whispering to her, holding her hand. It was really hard to watch people as I knew they were whispering their fond memories and goodbyes .

I kept thinking "what should I be doing?" I spent that day in constant prayer. Hoping that it would be soon so that she could feel the joy of Heaven. This reminds me now of the dream I had not too long ago that I posted about. http://lisakay-piecesofus.blogspot.com/2011/02/dreaming.html Maybe she was already feeling some relief and joys of Heaven.

I wasn't sure how I would feel these last couple of weeks as we approach the anniversary of her death. I've actually been doing just fine. I haven't really felt anything. I've been waiting for it to hit hard but is hasn't. I just really miss her and I do every second of every day. Last week on my Birthday I did finally start feeling something about it. I felt very alone. I cried all morning just longing for her. I felt selfish feeling that way on my Birthday while I had sooooo many people wishing me a Happy Birthday and thinking about me but I just couldn't shake the feeling I had. I summed it up to my Mom not being here. After all, she gave birth to me shouldn't I be celebrating with her? We always did. She always made it special in some way. Usually her, Beth and I would go shopping or have lunch.

It brings back a painful memory of when she was in the hospital right before she died. We brought her home from the very same hospital we were born in on our Birthday. It was just ironic. About a week before our Birthday last year when I showed up in her hospital room, I think it was just Beth and I, she had her cell phone sitting next to her and started reaching for it and wanted to call someone. I noticed she was having a hard time dialing so I got up and offered to help her. I asked her who she wanted to call (keep in mind she hadn't been talking on the phone really at all) and she said "well I'm trying to call you" I looked at the phone puzzled and I saw the number to my house. I said "Mom, I'm right her it's okay you don't need to call me" she said, "but I just really need to ask you something, I need to leave you a message!" I didn't really know how to respond so I said "it's okay you can ask me now" she was starting to get frustrated at this point and then said "well, I just wanted to call you and ask you if you wanted to go shopping next Tuesday." it really broke my heart. That next Tuesday was our Birthday. A few hours later I was almost hoping that I would have let her leave me a message just so I could still have her voice but I know that it would have been a painful reminder of how sick she was.

Anyway, back to Sunday, her last day. As the day wound down and people started to leave I started to feel anxious. Shirley stayed with us and it felt right having her there since she was there for us the year before at the hospital in California and also that last month in Seattle. I called Corey and asked if he thought Ryan should come and say goodbye. We left the decision up to her and she really wanted to. That was tough! Ryan is such an emotional, loving, caring spirit. I couldn't believe how strong she was doing that. Finn also said goodbye, he did his way of saying I love you by pointing to his eye and crossing his hands on his heart and then pointing to her.

The hardest thing about that day was watching people say goodbye. You could see how much she touched people in her life.

When it came to my turn to say goodbye I had no clue what to say! I was afraid. I held her hand and told her how lucky I was to have her as my Mom and how good she did. I told her how much I loved her and when I said that she looked me in the eyes, something she hadn't done in days and she nodded her head slightly and tried to say something which sounded like "I know" There was understanding at that moment that she heard me. Beth came and sat next to me too. It felt so right doing it together. I looked at her and just said I don't even know what to say and then she remembered the book that Mom always read to us, "I'll love you forever" So she had the idea of singing that to her so we did together. We sang, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my mommy you'll be" I couldn't think of a better way to say goodbye. We went to bed that night just waiting, Beth and I slept in a bed together and heard my Dad yelling for all of us and then it happened. She went to Heaven. Even though her body was still there I could feel that her soul was not.

So now, I miss my Mom with all my heart. I'll now think of her in Heaven. I read the book Heaven is for Real and it has helped give me visuals of what she might look like and what she might be doing. And whenever I see a rainbow I know without a doubt it's from Heaven.

"Everybody's got wings"  "All the people have a light above their head" "God and Jesus light up Heaven. It never gets dark. It's always bright." He saw the gates of Heaven, he said: "They were made of gold and there were pearls on them." "Hey Dad, did you know Jesus has a horse?" "A rainbow horse. I got to pet him. There's lots of colors." "In Heaven, that's where all the rainbow colors are"