Looking forward

It seems like a lot and nothing as been going on around here. A lot of change but then really not much all at the same time. If that even makes sense. This will probably be a very random post!

I'm getting impatient for it to be June. I'm also counting down the weeks until April because I feel like that's when things get busy and start happening. But I'm really missing the one person who always made Spring my favorite time of year.  My Mom and I did EVERYTHING together this time of year. It's so weird to think of where I was just a year ago. It feels like just yesterday and I can't believe it's been a year this week since my Mom started her 3 week stay in the hospital and last 4 weeks on Earth.

It makes me feel pretty sad thinking that soon I won't be able to reference back to "last year when Mom was still here" because soon it's going to be a year past and I almost feel like I have to be in this certain place and that people are going to stop thinking about it and I have to be done grieving in a certain way. That sounds really stupid! Obviously they aren't, I know that, but life does go on.

The nice weather yesterday felt so good! We were able to go out and enjoy it as a family. Last year I spent this first 3 weeks of Spring sitting in a hospital. We have some fun things to look forward to though this Spring. Ryan's going to start T-ball next week and Corey and I will be coaching. I'm a little nervous because Corey just left his job that has been his only job ever! He's now working for himself with his brother and Dad which is what he's always wanted but leaves a lot more responsibility. So, I might be head coach and him assistant coach. I'm not really used to the leader roll. I'm really used to being sort of in the background. Oh well it'll be good for me and it's the one sport where I am in my element. Corey and I do have difference of opinions when it comes to techniques and what to teach Ryan though, we'll have to iron those out :) It's the difference in baseball and fastpitch.

I have been horrible with pictures this whole year! These are the last few I've taken.


At the river in Everson





Swinging at Bender




Some very cheesy two year olds that get to play together today



Dreaming

"He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night,

when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds."

Job 33:15

Sleep has not been easy for me this week. It's the wind, having to pee all night, a dog or cat making noise that drives me crazy, and the kids coughing and Ryan not wanting to sleep in her own bed. But last night the little sleep I did get was probably the best sleep I've had in a long time. It wasn't the amount of sleep or that I was in a deep sleep but it was that I got to meet my Mom in my dream and talk with her.

The whole family was together having a meal. It might have been Thanksgiving. It started out so normal. One of my sisters was getting mad because my Mom didn't ask me to make anything for dinner. Not that that's normal but just being together was normal. My mom wasn't sick. She looked like her normal self. It was after she died though. She was just visiting us. After dinner we all sat down and I started asking her about what it was like when she was dying. She began telling us that there were guardians or people, she didn't use the word Angels but I think that's what it was, there with her and she could see them the whole time. They just waited for her to be ready. When she was finally ready they said well lets hurry up and get to Heaven, or something like that. I can't remember exactly how things were said but I remember her saying it was sort of funny the way they said it, not formal at all.  Then she talked about when she got to Heaven and said that God asked her if she was ready and how she loved him and if he was in her heart. Then she said the second day there she started to feel a little sad and missing us but knew she was where she wanted to be and knew she would love it.

I wish I could remember every detail exactly. Unfortunately that's just the way it goes with dreams. I'm so thankful for it. It left me feeling peace and happy for my mom. It left me with a picture of her in my head that I love to remember. Not a picture of her being sick and not herself. The other night I was together with some of my friends and we were talking about other things about my Mom and other people's dreams and Lisa said "I bet you guys will have one soon, I just know it" She was right. I have been selfishly asking God to see her in my dreams. I had one another time right after she died that I saw her and she just held me and put her head on my head and her hand in my hand and we just sat with each other like that. I woke up from that dream with my hand tingling and I could still feel "something" on my head.

Valentine's Day

We spent Valentine's at home. We usually just stay home for Valentine's and do what we can to make it special for us and the kids. The kids really get into it. It would be nice I'm sure to go have a nice romantic dinner but really we love doing something as a family at home and making the kids feel special.

I spent most of the afternoon preparing dinner. We had cheese fondue with veggies and steak and had chocolate fondue for dessert.

When Corey got home from work he and Ryan spent an hour or so upstairs working on something and then came down with orders for me to go "get pretty" and not come out until they say it's okay. So I made sure dinner was ready enough and went and did what they said. Getting pretty feels much harder pregnant!

Anyway, they said it was time and Corey and Finn came and got me and Finn was dressed in some old fancy clothes and he was my "waiter" and showed me to my table. It was pretty cute. Then Ryan came down the stairs playing her violin. It was so sweet. Dinner was all set up and waiting for me. They even made paper stars, hearts and a moon and hung them from the ceiling fan.

We had little presents for the kids, Ryan got a charm bracelet and Finn got the movie Alpha and Omega.  He's so obsessed with movies! We took them to see Narnia on Sunday and he sat quietly through the whole thing. He thinks the theaters are the best place on earth.

All in all life is great right now. Things aren't too busy and I'm just enjoying it as much as I can. Come June our life will be a lot busier. I'm enjoying watching Ryan and Finn and how they change every day. I'm in a pretty positive place as far as dealing without my Mom. I obviously have my moments but they're easier to handle. When we were heading to the store to get our stuff for our Valentine's dinner we drove by the cemetery and Ryan shouted "Hi Grandma, Happy Valentine's" and Finn started looking everywhere and saying "where I can't see her" so I pointed in the direction of her grave and said say "Hi Grammy" and he did but then he said "I can't hear her she's not saying anything back". He was so frustrated and I think that's how I am too. I so understand what he was feeling at that moment.  I just reminded him that he won't be able to hear her but he'll be able to feel her in his heart.

Pocket full of posies

We found out today that baby # 3 is a girl. Ryan and I were pretty sure of this already. Almost everything has been the same as when I was pregnant with Ryan minus the heartburn which I'm so thankful for not having! I knew that from my crazy must have cravings this baby would be a girl. Mine and Corey's little joke is that we're going to have a "little fat girl". :) Anyway, I am beyond excited. I obviously would have been excited either way but I was really looking forward to adding some more girly things to the house and decorating a baby girl room again. I just really wanted Ryan to have a sister. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have mine! She just kept saying over and over "I'm so glad I get a sister"

Finn thought for sure this baby would be a boy. I was getting sort of worried that he wouldn't accept it being a girl but he is just fine and was calling her "princess." He has been calling the baby "The Hulk" for the last 5 months :) When we got into The Gap to start looking for clothes he got this sweet little voice and just said "oh mommy look isn't this so cute for the baby?" It was pretty sweet! Luckily this baby will be born in the same month Ryan was so all of Ryan's clothes should fit. She had so many cute clothes I'm so glad another one gets to wear them. Of course I'm sure I'll still end up with some new things I just had to have :) I was sure bummed though after the ultrasound when I realized that going to lunch and the mall was something I would have done with my Mom. It just wasn't the same without her. I only ended up buying one thing just so I could remind Corey how cute little girls things are. He was sort of hoping for a boy :)

Now to think of a name...

This is what gets me through

New Years Eve day we headed up to Mt. Baker for some skiing and sledding with Shane and Brittany and their kids. We had a lot of fun. We didn't quite make it sledding because after the kids skied a little bit (the girls just on the tow rope) they were done and toes were getting cold. It was such a nice day for it!

Rylee, Ryan, Kenzie

Jet and Finn

She really loved the snow, we need better boots though



He's pretty good on those little skis but wants to do more than he's capable of yet. He also needs to toughen up a little bit about cold :)



She's always so good at reminding me it's the little things in life.

Christmas

The kids are outside
Almira's taking a nap
One dog is in major trouble in his crate
And I'm thinking, was it really already Christmas?

It sort of seems silly now how much preparation was put into two days that whirled by so fast.
Corey thinks we should celebrate for 8 crazy nights like Hanukkah.

We enjoyed our Christmas Eve at my Dad's house with my sisters and all of our families. The kids loved their presents and had a lot of fun chasing around the house. My Dad got Ryan and Jack Red Ryder's and they were ecstatic! My sisters and I got beautiful necklaces from our Aunt Karla. It's a mother/daughter heart. It's so perfect for honoring and remembering our Mom.

On Christmas Eve before we went to my Dad's we met Joelle and Beth at the cemetery and put a few things on Mom's grave. Corey and Beth both had the idea of putting dice on her grave in honor of our dice game we play every Christmas Eve so Beth brought those and Beth also had a pretty poinsettia and Ryan had a little necklace she made at a friend's house. Her grave looked really nice.

Christmas morning the kids woke us up saying "Santa came and he ate all of his cookies and the reindeer even ate their carrots!" Then we all laid in bed for a few minutes and the kids sang "Happy Birthday Jesus" We also pictured what it must be like in Heaven on Christmas and what Grandma might be doing. Thank goodness for the magical minds of children!

They got their "big" presents that they had been asking and asking for and then we headed off to Corey's family for even more presents, food and games. Ryan and Finn are so lucky they have cousins so close in age to play with. They were exhausted at the end of the night.

All in all we had a really great Christmas. I missed my Mom so much. It's at these times that I think how unfair it is that she's not here with all of us celebrating. I handled Christmas just fine, I had a minor setback but then Ryan, Finn and Corey just embraced me and Finn patted me on the head and said it's okay Momma. Sometimes you just need to cry to let it all out and then I felt better. I don't do this often. I hold it in as much as I can because it feels easier than dealing with emotions. Obviously when I do let it out I realize how much better it is to do that but it's not always what I want to do.

I am facing new realizations every day of my Mom not being here. Things that you try not to think about for so long but then are forced to as they happen. It'll get better then I'm sure it'll get worse and then probably better. I just looked up the stages of grief for the first time a few days ago. I was disappointed! It seems like I'm only in stage 3 of 7. I'm so ready to feel relief from this! It'll happen I just need to be faithful and patient. Both things I'm having a hard time with right now.

So yes, it was already Christmas! I'm happy it's over. I'm happy to be moving closer to feeling better. Every day is another day closer to that.

Six kids and Santa

This is what you get when you take six kids to see Santa :)

I'm surprised actually that only one out of six are screaming. Jack and Ryan are old pros at seeing Santa, Finn kept saying I don't want to I don't want to but then did. Jovie wouldn't do it without her Momma. Peter as you can see screamed and hated it.  Almira got a little red and a little nervous but tolerated it. We were pretty set on taking them to see Santa this year because it's what my Mom always did every year with the kids. A lot of years it was just her and I taking the kids because everyone else was always at work and then we'd go and have a nice little lunch at the food court. That was a lot easier with only two kids. We didn't even talk about doing anything else this time. We all pretty much split our separate ways pretty quick :)

We had our first Christmas party on Sunday with my Mom's side of the family. We had a lot of fun.



Every time I point my camera at him he comes as close as he can and gets silly




Finn got a spiderman car. He wants anything spiderman.




Ryan opening her "ice beads" she couldn't even wait till we got home to start on them, she worked on them when we "stopped by" Nanny and Poppy's



So far I'm feeling pretty good about this Christmas. Obviously I have my moments of sadness but those are just always there. I'm not feeling overwhelmed, I'm not dreading getting together and doing our normal things. I'm relieved! I must have a lot of people praying for me because I don't know how else I'd be feeling this calm. I'm so thankful for this and I'm sure my kids and Corey are too.

Corey's been great this Christmas! I mean, he is every Christmas...but I needed him extra this one and most of my shopping trips he's been there helping me out. Last week he didn't have much going on for work and I had Peter one day, Ryan was at school and he and Finn had planned to go shop for cousin Jet so I asked if Peter and I could tag along and I'm not sure he was so happy about it at first because Peter and I were a little slow out the door but I just said "you know I'm home every day when everyone else is at work and now I have someone to "play" with so of course I'm going to jump at the opportunity to do something with someone who isn't 5 and younger" We ended up having a nice little morning.

After today (Tuesday) I'm taking the rest of the week to be with just my kids and finish getting ready for Christmas. We're pretty much done but we still need to make some goodies and of course clean the house before we bring back loads of stuff. We'll probably go visit my Mom's grave too, I just wish I could figure out something nice to leave on it. I'm so happy I decided to take days off this week. I knew it would be what I need to breath a little easier and not get frazzled which I tend to do for Holidays. I'm just praying for a nice Christmas for my whole family since it will obviously be sad thinking that just last year my Mom was here and doing everything we will be doing on Christmas Eve. Her spot in our annual game will be empty and that is going to be so hard! We are missing a lot this Christmas but we have so much to be thankful for. Years of happy, perfect Christmas's to remember. I told Corey just yesterday that I'm thankful that I feel fulfilled with the Mom that I had. She really did give us everything and more.