Belly Picture

It's been really hard to post anything lately because our computer crashed. I did manage to take a picture from my phone and got on a computer to at least post a belly picture. This is me at almost 35 weeks pregnant. Of course the picture's blurry but you can still obviously see the belly :)

June 18

I scheduled my c-section for Saturday June 18. I'm getting so excited. Also nervous and anxious to just get things done for her. I'm really looking forward to just having her already because I feel like I'll get a good month after she's born to do nothing. I know that sounds a little weird. I won't be getting any sleep and taking care of 3 kids isn't doing nothing but I won't have as many other obligations. I can stay at home with my kids in our jammies all day if we want.  I'm so thankful that school will be out. It means not rushing Ryan out of the house and I'll have more help from Corey's mom and Joelle who get the summer off.

This is the bedding that I had custom made from an Etsy shop. Sewfunbymonique is the name of the shop. Her stuff is adorable! It should be delivered on my doorstep in the next day or two.






I don't have a whole lot I have to do to get ready for her but I have a lot of things I "want" to get ready for her. It's all fairly easy stuff. Since Ryan was also born in June I have all of her clothes already. The crib is still set up from babysitting.

My to do list is more of a "Honey do list" :)

We need to get a light fixture for the baby's room and then we'll be able to decide if we actually need to paint the walls. Right now there's not enough light to tell. My Mom painted this whole house when I was pregnant with Finn. I don't really want to paint over what she painted but it could be brighter and Corey's going to have to do some drywall touch ups so it'll probably have to be done. I have no idea what color??? Right now it's a light tan color. Just a little too plain.

Maybe my next post I'll put up a belly picture. I'm not really a fan of belly pictures of myself. But I know I like to see what other women look like pregnant so it's only fair. I'll see how it turns out first :)

A year without her

Even though today isn't the day my Mom died it was our last day with her. It was Sunday and I could feel that the time was coming soon. We spent the day with friends and family coming in and out of the house. Beth and I sat and painted our toenails. We didn't really know what to do...

Mom lay sleeping in her hospital bed in the family room. She wasn't really alert but the hospice nurse reminded us that hearing was the last thing to go when dying so we thought that she could hear us. All the friends and family who came by that day took turns sitting next to her, whispering to her, holding her hand. It was really hard to watch people as I knew they were whispering their fond memories and goodbyes .

I kept thinking "what should I be doing?" I spent that day in constant prayer. Hoping that it would be soon so that she could feel the joy of Heaven. This reminds me now of the dream I had not too long ago that I posted about. http://lisakay-piecesofus.blogspot.com/2011/02/dreaming.html Maybe she was already feeling some relief and joys of Heaven.

I wasn't sure how I would feel these last couple of weeks as we approach the anniversary of her death. I've actually been doing just fine. I haven't really felt anything. I've been waiting for it to hit hard but is hasn't. I just really miss her and I do every second of every day. Last week on my Birthday I did finally start feeling something about it. I felt very alone. I cried all morning just longing for her. I felt selfish feeling that way on my Birthday while I had sooooo many people wishing me a Happy Birthday and thinking about me but I just couldn't shake the feeling I had. I summed it up to my Mom not being here. After all, she gave birth to me shouldn't I be celebrating with her? We always did. She always made it special in some way. Usually her, Beth and I would go shopping or have lunch.

It brings back a painful memory of when she was in the hospital right before she died. We brought her home from the very same hospital we were born in on our Birthday. It was just ironic. About a week before our Birthday last year when I showed up in her hospital room, I think it was just Beth and I, she had her cell phone sitting next to her and started reaching for it and wanted to call someone. I noticed she was having a hard time dialing so I got up and offered to help her. I asked her who she wanted to call (keep in mind she hadn't been talking on the phone really at all) and she said "well I'm trying to call you" I looked at the phone puzzled and I saw the number to my house. I said "Mom, I'm right her it's okay you don't need to call me" she said, "but I just really need to ask you something, I need to leave you a message!" I didn't really know how to respond so I said "it's okay you can ask me now" she was starting to get frustrated at this point and then said "well, I just wanted to call you and ask you if you wanted to go shopping next Tuesday." it really broke my heart. That next Tuesday was our Birthday. A few hours later I was almost hoping that I would have let her leave me a message just so I could still have her voice but I know that it would have been a painful reminder of how sick she was.

Anyway, back to Sunday, her last day. As the day wound down and people started to leave I started to feel anxious. Shirley stayed with us and it felt right having her there since she was there for us the year before at the hospital in California and also that last month in Seattle. I called Corey and asked if he thought Ryan should come and say goodbye. We left the decision up to her and she really wanted to. That was tough! Ryan is such an emotional, loving, caring spirit. I couldn't believe how strong she was doing that. Finn also said goodbye, he did his way of saying I love you by pointing to his eye and crossing his hands on his heart and then pointing to her.

The hardest thing about that day was watching people say goodbye. You could see how much she touched people in her life.

When it came to my turn to say goodbye I had no clue what to say! I was afraid. I held her hand and told her how lucky I was to have her as my Mom and how good she did. I told her how much I loved her and when I said that she looked me in the eyes, something she hadn't done in days and she nodded her head slightly and tried to say something which sounded like "I know" There was understanding at that moment that she heard me. Beth came and sat next to me too. It felt so right doing it together. I looked at her and just said I don't even know what to say and then she remembered the book that Mom always read to us, "I'll love you forever" So she had the idea of singing that to her so we did together. We sang, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my mommy you'll be" I couldn't think of a better way to say goodbye. We went to bed that night just waiting, Beth and I slept in a bed together and heard my Dad yelling for all of us and then it happened. She went to Heaven. Even though her body was still there I could feel that her soul was not.

So now, I miss my Mom with all my heart. I'll now think of her in Heaven. I read the book Heaven is for Real and it has helped give me visuals of what she might look like and what she might be doing. And whenever I see a rainbow I know without a doubt it's from Heaven.

"Everybody's got wings"  "All the people have a light above their head" "God and Jesus light up Heaven. It never gets dark. It's always bright." He saw the gates of Heaven, he said: "They were made of gold and there were pearls on them." "Hey Dad, did you know Jesus has a horse?" "A rainbow horse. I got to pet him. There's lots of colors." "In Heaven, that's where all the rainbow colors are"

My sweet boy

Happy 3rd Birthday Finnley Reid!

Three years ago we were blessed with the sweetest little boy. He was the best Birthday present ever.

Excited to go to Seattle

Looking forward

It seems like a lot and nothing as been going on around here. A lot of change but then really not much all at the same time. If that even makes sense. This will probably be a very random post!

I'm getting impatient for it to be June. I'm also counting down the weeks until April because I feel like that's when things get busy and start happening. But I'm really missing the one person who always made Spring my favorite time of year.  My Mom and I did EVERYTHING together this time of year. It's so weird to think of where I was just a year ago. It feels like just yesterday and I can't believe it's been a year this week since my Mom started her 3 week stay in the hospital and last 4 weeks on Earth.

It makes me feel pretty sad thinking that soon I won't be able to reference back to "last year when Mom was still here" because soon it's going to be a year past and I almost feel like I have to be in this certain place and that people are going to stop thinking about it and I have to be done grieving in a certain way. That sounds really stupid! Obviously they aren't, I know that, but life does go on.

The nice weather yesterday felt so good! We were able to go out and enjoy it as a family. Last year I spent this first 3 weeks of Spring sitting in a hospital. We have some fun things to look forward to though this Spring. Ryan's going to start T-ball next week and Corey and I will be coaching. I'm a little nervous because Corey just left his job that has been his only job ever! He's now working for himself with his brother and Dad which is what he's always wanted but leaves a lot more responsibility. So, I might be head coach and him assistant coach. I'm not really used to the leader roll. I'm really used to being sort of in the background. Oh well it'll be good for me and it's the one sport where I am in my element. Corey and I do have difference of opinions when it comes to techniques and what to teach Ryan though, we'll have to iron those out :) It's the difference in baseball and fastpitch.

I have been horrible with pictures this whole year! These are the last few I've taken.


At the river in Everson





Swinging at Bender




Some very cheesy two year olds that get to play together today



Dreaming

"He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night,

when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds."

Job 33:15

Sleep has not been easy for me this week. It's the wind, having to pee all night, a dog or cat making noise that drives me crazy, and the kids coughing and Ryan not wanting to sleep in her own bed. But last night the little sleep I did get was probably the best sleep I've had in a long time. It wasn't the amount of sleep or that I was in a deep sleep but it was that I got to meet my Mom in my dream and talk with her.

The whole family was together having a meal. It might have been Thanksgiving. It started out so normal. One of my sisters was getting mad because my Mom didn't ask me to make anything for dinner. Not that that's normal but just being together was normal. My mom wasn't sick. She looked like her normal self. It was after she died though. She was just visiting us. After dinner we all sat down and I started asking her about what it was like when she was dying. She began telling us that there were guardians or people, she didn't use the word Angels but I think that's what it was, there with her and she could see them the whole time. They just waited for her to be ready. When she was finally ready they said well lets hurry up and get to Heaven, or something like that. I can't remember exactly how things were said but I remember her saying it was sort of funny the way they said it, not formal at all.  Then she talked about when she got to Heaven and said that God asked her if she was ready and how she loved him and if he was in her heart. Then she said the second day there she started to feel a little sad and missing us but knew she was where she wanted to be and knew she would love it.

I wish I could remember every detail exactly. Unfortunately that's just the way it goes with dreams. I'm so thankful for it. It left me feeling peace and happy for my mom. It left me with a picture of her in my head that I love to remember. Not a picture of her being sick and not herself. The other night I was together with some of my friends and we were talking about other things about my Mom and other people's dreams and Lisa said "I bet you guys will have one soon, I just know it" She was right. I have been selfishly asking God to see her in my dreams. I had one another time right after she died that I saw her and she just held me and put her head on my head and her hand in my hand and we just sat with each other like that. I woke up from that dream with my hand tingling and I could still feel "something" on my head.

Valentine's Day

We spent Valentine's at home. We usually just stay home for Valentine's and do what we can to make it special for us and the kids. The kids really get into it. It would be nice I'm sure to go have a nice romantic dinner but really we love doing something as a family at home and making the kids feel special.

I spent most of the afternoon preparing dinner. We had cheese fondue with veggies and steak and had chocolate fondue for dessert.

When Corey got home from work he and Ryan spent an hour or so upstairs working on something and then came down with orders for me to go "get pretty" and not come out until they say it's okay. So I made sure dinner was ready enough and went and did what they said. Getting pretty feels much harder pregnant!

Anyway, they said it was time and Corey and Finn came and got me and Finn was dressed in some old fancy clothes and he was my "waiter" and showed me to my table. It was pretty cute. Then Ryan came down the stairs playing her violin. It was so sweet. Dinner was all set up and waiting for me. They even made paper stars, hearts and a moon and hung them from the ceiling fan.

We had little presents for the kids, Ryan got a charm bracelet and Finn got the movie Alpha and Omega.  He's so obsessed with movies! We took them to see Narnia on Sunday and he sat quietly through the whole thing. He thinks the theaters are the best place on earth.

All in all life is great right now. Things aren't too busy and I'm just enjoying it as much as I can. Come June our life will be a lot busier. I'm enjoying watching Ryan and Finn and how they change every day. I'm in a pretty positive place as far as dealing without my Mom. I obviously have my moments but they're easier to handle. When we were heading to the store to get our stuff for our Valentine's dinner we drove by the cemetery and Ryan shouted "Hi Grandma, Happy Valentine's" and Finn started looking everywhere and saying "where I can't see her" so I pointed in the direction of her grave and said say "Hi Grammy" and he did but then he said "I can't hear her she's not saying anything back". He was so frustrated and I think that's how I am too. I so understand what he was feeling at that moment.  I just reminded him that he won't be able to hear her but he'll be able to feel her in his heart.