A year without her

Even though today isn't the day my Mom died it was our last day with her. It was Sunday and I could feel that the time was coming soon. We spent the day with friends and family coming in and out of the house. Beth and I sat and painted our toenails. We didn't really know what to do...

Mom lay sleeping in her hospital bed in the family room. She wasn't really alert but the hospice nurse reminded us that hearing was the last thing to go when dying so we thought that she could hear us. All the friends and family who came by that day took turns sitting next to her, whispering to her, holding her hand. It was really hard to watch people as I knew they were whispering their fond memories and goodbyes .

I kept thinking "what should I be doing?" I spent that day in constant prayer. Hoping that it would be soon so that she could feel the joy of Heaven. This reminds me now of the dream I had not too long ago that I posted about. http://lisakay-piecesofus.blogspot.com/2011/02/dreaming.html Maybe she was already feeling some relief and joys of Heaven.

I wasn't sure how I would feel these last couple of weeks as we approach the anniversary of her death. I've actually been doing just fine. I haven't really felt anything. I've been waiting for it to hit hard but is hasn't. I just really miss her and I do every second of every day. Last week on my Birthday I did finally start feeling something about it. I felt very alone. I cried all morning just longing for her. I felt selfish feeling that way on my Birthday while I had sooooo many people wishing me a Happy Birthday and thinking about me but I just couldn't shake the feeling I had. I summed it up to my Mom not being here. After all, she gave birth to me shouldn't I be celebrating with her? We always did. She always made it special in some way. Usually her, Beth and I would go shopping or have lunch.

It brings back a painful memory of when she was in the hospital right before she died. We brought her home from the very same hospital we were born in on our Birthday. It was just ironic. About a week before our Birthday last year when I showed up in her hospital room, I think it was just Beth and I, she had her cell phone sitting next to her and started reaching for it and wanted to call someone. I noticed she was having a hard time dialing so I got up and offered to help her. I asked her who she wanted to call (keep in mind she hadn't been talking on the phone really at all) and she said "well I'm trying to call you" I looked at the phone puzzled and I saw the number to my house. I said "Mom, I'm right her it's okay you don't need to call me" she said, "but I just really need to ask you something, I need to leave you a message!" I didn't really know how to respond so I said "it's okay you can ask me now" she was starting to get frustrated at this point and then said "well, I just wanted to call you and ask you if you wanted to go shopping next Tuesday." it really broke my heart. That next Tuesday was our Birthday. A few hours later I was almost hoping that I would have let her leave me a message just so I could still have her voice but I know that it would have been a painful reminder of how sick she was.

Anyway, back to Sunday, her last day. As the day wound down and people started to leave I started to feel anxious. Shirley stayed with us and it felt right having her there since she was there for us the year before at the hospital in California and also that last month in Seattle. I called Corey and asked if he thought Ryan should come and say goodbye. We left the decision up to her and she really wanted to. That was tough! Ryan is such an emotional, loving, caring spirit. I couldn't believe how strong she was doing that. Finn also said goodbye, he did his way of saying I love you by pointing to his eye and crossing his hands on his heart and then pointing to her.

The hardest thing about that day was watching people say goodbye. You could see how much she touched people in her life.

When it came to my turn to say goodbye I had no clue what to say! I was afraid. I held her hand and told her how lucky I was to have her as my Mom and how good she did. I told her how much I loved her and when I said that she looked me in the eyes, something she hadn't done in days and she nodded her head slightly and tried to say something which sounded like "I know" There was understanding at that moment that she heard me. Beth came and sat next to me too. It felt so right doing it together. I looked at her and just said I don't even know what to say and then she remembered the book that Mom always read to us, "I'll love you forever" So she had the idea of singing that to her so we did together. We sang, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my mommy you'll be" I couldn't think of a better way to say goodbye. We went to bed that night just waiting, Beth and I slept in a bed together and heard my Dad yelling for all of us and then it happened. She went to Heaven. Even though her body was still there I could feel that her soul was not.

So now, I miss my Mom with all my heart. I'll now think of her in Heaven. I read the book Heaven is for Real and it has helped give me visuals of what she might look like and what she might be doing. And whenever I see a rainbow I know without a doubt it's from Heaven.

"Everybody's got wings"  "All the people have a light above their head" "God and Jesus light up Heaven. It never gets dark. It's always bright." He saw the gates of Heaven, he said: "They were made of gold and there were pearls on them." "Hey Dad, did you know Jesus has a horse?" "A rainbow horse. I got to pet him. There's lots of colors." "In Heaven, that's where all the rainbow colors are"