Dreaming

"He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night,

when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds."

Job 33:15

Sleep has not been easy for me this week. It's the wind, having to pee all night, a dog or cat making noise that drives me crazy, and the kids coughing and Ryan not wanting to sleep in her own bed. But last night the little sleep I did get was probably the best sleep I've had in a long time. It wasn't the amount of sleep or that I was in a deep sleep but it was that I got to meet my Mom in my dream and talk with her.

The whole family was together having a meal. It might have been Thanksgiving. It started out so normal. One of my sisters was getting mad because my Mom didn't ask me to make anything for dinner. Not that that's normal but just being together was normal. My mom wasn't sick. She looked like her normal self. It was after she died though. She was just visiting us. After dinner we all sat down and I started asking her about what it was like when she was dying. She began telling us that there were guardians or people, she didn't use the word Angels but I think that's what it was, there with her and she could see them the whole time. They just waited for her to be ready. When she was finally ready they said well lets hurry up and get to Heaven, or something like that. I can't remember exactly how things were said but I remember her saying it was sort of funny the way they said it, not formal at all.  Then she talked about when she got to Heaven and said that God asked her if she was ready and how she loved him and if he was in her heart. Then she said the second day there she started to feel a little sad and missing us but knew she was where she wanted to be and knew she would love it.

I wish I could remember every detail exactly. Unfortunately that's just the way it goes with dreams. I'm so thankful for it. It left me feeling peace and happy for my mom. It left me with a picture of her in my head that I love to remember. Not a picture of her being sick and not herself. The other night I was together with some of my friends and we were talking about other things about my Mom and other people's dreams and Lisa said "I bet you guys will have one soon, I just know it" She was right. I have been selfishly asking God to see her in my dreams. I had one another time right after she died that I saw her and she just held me and put her head on my head and her hand in my hand and we just sat with each other like that. I woke up from that dream with my hand tingling and I could still feel "something" on my head.

Valentine's Day

We spent Valentine's at home. We usually just stay home for Valentine's and do what we can to make it special for us and the kids. The kids really get into it. It would be nice I'm sure to go have a nice romantic dinner but really we love doing something as a family at home and making the kids feel special.

I spent most of the afternoon preparing dinner. We had cheese fondue with veggies and steak and had chocolate fondue for dessert.

When Corey got home from work he and Ryan spent an hour or so upstairs working on something and then came down with orders for me to go "get pretty" and not come out until they say it's okay. So I made sure dinner was ready enough and went and did what they said. Getting pretty feels much harder pregnant!

Anyway, they said it was time and Corey and Finn came and got me and Finn was dressed in some old fancy clothes and he was my "waiter" and showed me to my table. It was pretty cute. Then Ryan came down the stairs playing her violin. It was so sweet. Dinner was all set up and waiting for me. They even made paper stars, hearts and a moon and hung them from the ceiling fan.

We had little presents for the kids, Ryan got a charm bracelet and Finn got the movie Alpha and Omega.  He's so obsessed with movies! We took them to see Narnia on Sunday and he sat quietly through the whole thing. He thinks the theaters are the best place on earth.

All in all life is great right now. Things aren't too busy and I'm just enjoying it as much as I can. Come June our life will be a lot busier. I'm enjoying watching Ryan and Finn and how they change every day. I'm in a pretty positive place as far as dealing without my Mom. I obviously have my moments but they're easier to handle. When we were heading to the store to get our stuff for our Valentine's dinner we drove by the cemetery and Ryan shouted "Hi Grandma, Happy Valentine's" and Finn started looking everywhere and saying "where I can't see her" so I pointed in the direction of her grave and said say "Hi Grammy" and he did but then he said "I can't hear her she's not saying anything back". He was so frustrated and I think that's how I am too. I so understand what he was feeling at that moment.  I just reminded him that he won't be able to hear her but he'll be able to feel her in his heart.

Pocket full of posies

We found out today that baby # 3 is a girl. Ryan and I were pretty sure of this already. Almost everything has been the same as when I was pregnant with Ryan minus the heartburn which I'm so thankful for not having! I knew that from my crazy must have cravings this baby would be a girl. Mine and Corey's little joke is that we're going to have a "little fat girl". :) Anyway, I am beyond excited. I obviously would have been excited either way but I was really looking forward to adding some more girly things to the house and decorating a baby girl room again. I just really wanted Ryan to have a sister. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have mine! She just kept saying over and over "I'm so glad I get a sister"

Finn thought for sure this baby would be a boy. I was getting sort of worried that he wouldn't accept it being a girl but he is just fine and was calling her "princess." He has been calling the baby "The Hulk" for the last 5 months :) When we got into The Gap to start looking for clothes he got this sweet little voice and just said "oh mommy look isn't this so cute for the baby?" It was pretty sweet! Luckily this baby will be born in the same month Ryan was so all of Ryan's clothes should fit. She had so many cute clothes I'm so glad another one gets to wear them. Of course I'm sure I'll still end up with some new things I just had to have :) I was sure bummed though after the ultrasound when I realized that going to lunch and the mall was something I would have done with my Mom. It just wasn't the same without her. I only ended up buying one thing just so I could remind Corey how cute little girls things are. He was sort of hoping for a boy :)

Now to think of a name...